Bad Relationships

It amazes me that so much of what I hear and read about African-American dating is bad. Is it just me or is there a shortage of good dating experiences? Are we all just naturally inclined to share our bad stories more often than not, or are there really an overabundance of bad experiences?

Now I'm no expert in this area for sure, but speaking from personal experience, I can honestly say that I've never had a bad relationship with a Black woman. Never. And I've probably had about hmmm, lets see, seven or eight since I've been divorced.

Now that doesn’t mean that I won't eventually run into one, however I'm strongly inclined to believe I won't for two simple reasons. Once I determine that I'm attracted to a woman I, number one, ensure that she's well adjusted (reasonable and normal), and number two, I treat her like I want to be treated.

Let me be absolutely clear. This isn’t a perfect science. But I'm convinced that in general it's a formula for success in any relationship, romantic or otherwise. So is there any science to picking a normal mate? Or am I just lucky? Well, I'm not sure, but again in my experiences every Black woman I've dated has made sense to me, for the most part.

They have been great communicators, they've been respectful, passionate, giving, fun, reasonable, etc., etc. And on those occasions when they weren’t all these things, it didn’t really matter in the long run because their pattern of behavior far outweighed the exceptions.

Now I'm not sure if the following helps explain my good experiences or not, but after my divorce I read a few books that helped me understand what went wrong. The first was Woman Thou Art Loosed by T.D. Jakes. And the second was entitled “How to Romance a Woman the Way She Wants To Be Loved”. And without going into detail they both helped me tremendously. Mainly because they helped me see things from a woman's perspective.

I'm not gonna lie and say I perfected the contents of these two books but after having put into practice much of what I learned from them, I've experienced great successes. So at this point I'm convinced that with any normal woman, you'll get out of her what you put into her.

Over the years I developed a saying that I'd pass along to my married friends whenever they complained of problems at home and that is, if you water your garden the flowers will grow.

This means you have to thank your mate for their kindness. Compliment them for their beauty. Connect and engage with them when they talk, etc. And reciprocate as much as you can. It's simply the Golden Rule.

In conclusion, if you're anything like me you're wondering two things. One, am I willing to get re-married or am I a perpetual bachelor. God willing, Yes, I will re-marry when and if I meet Miss Right. I'm not anxious at this point nor can I predict when or if it'll happen so until then ...

And two, you may be wondering why, if I've had such great relationships, have I had so many. Well for a variety of reasons. A few ended because one of us relocated and a few ended because one or both of us came to the conclusion that we wanted something different for the rest of our lives.

In every case separating was not easy. There was either A LOT OF PAIN for me or my friend and sometimes both. But in each case, my disconnections occurred in such a way that I maintain a friendship with each of them, even my ex-wife.

So. There's one Black man with a string of good relationships with Black women and I'm certain there are others. If you've got some I'd like to hear about them. And now that I'm single once again (just like that, bam!) maybe you'd even like to experience a good relationship for yourself. Well, let me know, I'm looking. If it's mutual, and if you're normal (smile) it's on and popping!

Pretty Magnets

     Ever notice how only the unavailable men seem to hit on you? It's like they have a magnet that attracts them to single women. I mean it never fails- you go to the gym & there they are...watching & 'weighting.' They've got their muscle shirts on, just flexing as the ladies walk by them. You meet them in the grocery store or on the job.

You even meet them at Chick-Fil-A as you're standing in line waiting to order on their unofficial Customer Appreciation Day.

    
     I think many of them forget for a quick second they're "unavailable" because they start up a conversation to get your attention. By the time you realize their friendly conversation is turning into more, you start looking for that left hand. It's kinda hard to tell as some take it off, have lost it or whatever the case may be, but that tan line, especially in the South, is hard to miss.

     So you see the ring or tan-line & now what? Here you've had a 5 minute conversation (which nowadays is all the time you need to determine if there is any real interest there) and you can either bring up what you've discovered or wait to see if he's going to acknowledge his unavailability.

     In my case, I decided to let him bring it up, thinking I'd catch him and have a smart comment or two waiting for him once it's revealed. Instead, this very attractive, educated (as evidenced by his attire, which revealed his line of work), well-spoken, Christian man (remember we're at Chick-Fil-A on their "unofficial" Customer Appreciation Day) continues to converse with me on life, work, and everything under the sun including love and marriage. Yes, he mentioned his wife and kids in a very loving way. He even asked me how the dating scene is and said that he feels bad for us 'singles,' but I should be very cautious when choosing a mate.

     And Just Like That, I forgot all about wanting to tell him off. Just like that, this man managed to reel me in by being empathetic to my "single" status. He showed genuine compassion for me being in the game & relief that he was out the game.

     Thank God for good judgment and faith that, if I do the right thing, blessings will come my way. Otherwise, this story could've taken a turn that would've led to a much more friendlier exchange than, "Have a great day" as I exited the restaurant.

Y'all please pray for me, cuz I'm single...just like that.

Trista

And Just Like that I’ve got a Teenaged Daughter

I’m a 43 year old man who has been married for 16 years. I have a daughter who is (I know it sounds cliché) the apple of my eye and is talented, loving, intelligent and beautiful, but recently turned thirteen… A teenager…. There lies the site of my anxiety and the reason I’m writing this today. Recently while discussing the future dating prospects with her mother, my lovely wife said these chilling words:  “Look for a man like your father.”  Now hold on this is not gonna be one of those confessionals where I admit to something and lose everything. Her advice, however well-intentioned and flattering, actually started a retrospective montage in my head that would make Spike Lee proud. I’m literally envisioning myself walking down the street with flashbacks of my many dating mishaps surrounding my head and saying to myself do I really want my daughter to find someone like me. My answer, it depends at what time. I’ll explain. My dating life was varied and eventful. I’ve often wondered what an impartial observer might think of it in total. Clarity and self-reflection has made me realize that the impression, if it were fair, would depend at what period of time they observed. I have been the perfect boyfriend, romantic suitor, the friend with benefits, the attentive and supporting husband and many other positive roles. Conversely if I’m honest there were times when I may have been described as a “dog”, a cheater, a manipulator, an irresponsible child, an inconsiderate husband and shamefully a liar. Writing it out now makes me feel a bit uncomfortable but in my defense believe it or not my intentions were always good and the mistakes I made I blamed on selfish immaturity. Each mistake has made me strive to be a stellar husband to my wife and an exceptional father to my daughter. It is the latter role which gives me restless nights, as I stated before my baby has turned thirteen. Thirteen is a “game-changer” in the over-used vernacular of the 2008 elections. Thirteen is the year that causes grown men to babble into their coffee, previously sane women to throw things at closed doors while yelling “as long as you live under my roof…” And thirteen is when all the stuff your Daddy said that you thought was corny comes pouring out of your mouth like an inevitable volcanic eruption triggered by some Pavlov-ian response imprinted on your psyche. “Cleaning the dishes means cleaning the Whooooole kitchen!”, “that’s your responsibility I shouldn’t have to tell you to do that!” ad infinitum. Thirteen means that a new variable is introduced into the equation that is our life, boys.  Thirteen years ago, “13” seemed a lifetime away. When she was first born, we spent the first half-hour of her life just us two. Her in warming bed, me staring into her wondering brown eyes, whispering to her, “Hey beautiful, I’m your Daddy.”  Eight years ago when she started school she would run at a full sprint into my arms daily yelling “Daaaadddyyyyyy!!!!” the whole way when I picked her up. Her teacher telling me how impressed she was that my baby recited, verbatim, my lecture to her about integrity.  Six years ago she amazed me with her inner strength standing up to bullies at her school for her and others even though I know she was afraid. The first inkling of a boy presence crept in or Daddy-Daughter Paradise about 2^nd grade because this boy was lingering around her during after-care. My fears were allayed because she didn’t seem to even notice him so I contented myself giving him the daddy stare.

Now, although I would rather she not grow up, I’m realistic. She will and there’s nothing I can do. So I know inevitably that my child, my baby girl, will eventually date and chose a mate. And I will experience a reckoning of sorts.  There will come a day when some boy will arrive at my door with the determined intent to date my daughter. How do I evaluate him? What do I tell her? “Look for a man like your father”, my wife advised. She really meant well but there were times where I should have been virtually un-dateable. It becomes easy for people like Steve Harvey and other so-called relationship “gurus” to label people, the player, the dog, and etcetera. The truth is much more complicated than that. And to attempt to judge a suitor for my child based on such flat and unimaginative generalizations is neither productive nor intelligent. Short of any that have committed crimes or abandoned children or destroyed their marriages, I have been almost all of the generalizations and therefore none of them. When I entered the dating pool, at 16, I was determined to be a one woman man.  By the time I was in college, I wanted to see what was out there and thought that a way to be “successful” with women was to “trick” them. [This approach was cultivated from the same learned scholars that tell you gems like you can’t get pregnant on the first time]. Later I told myself that as long as I was upfront with women whatever happened and if they were hurt was “on them” [basically the “fair exchange ain’t no robbery” theory]. These last two periods of my life were the toxic,”oh hell knaw you can’t date my daughter” stages. The first one would’ve been great except that it was born out of naiveté and therefore the latter two were pre-ordained to appear. Luckily there was not one woman who spanned any of those. My first and second girlfriends during the first period ended amicably because of situations like commitment to activities or school and the knowledge that each of us had other things to do in life. If you dated me during those last two periods, I’m sorry, I was young.  Interestingly even during those periods I had times where I seriously thought….thought…thought…I could commit to one woman. Which brings me back to my problem; because I really believed I could so there was no lie. But how could a woman know there wasn’t the responsibility or maturity to stick by my commitment at 20 that I acquired in my late 20’s. Ironically it’s because of these immature and irresponsible stages that I’m settled into the Dad/Husband stage in my life now. Had I not experienced the ebbs and flows of my dating life I’m certain I wouldn’t be here today.

However this doesn’t help me evaluate the boy coming to my door to date my teenaged daughter or help me give her advice on dating. Maybe I’ll use one of those corny sayings from my Dad that in retrospect was probably the wisest dating advice I’d ever been given. When I was thirteen he told me to “Just make friends” and at the time I thought he was telling not to date but to be “friends.” Which as any single young man will tell you is really not where you want to be. Chris Rock called it the friend-zone a dead space for a man in a relationship. Thinking about it now, he meant treat everyone as friends. Men don’t lie to our Homeboys. We don’t trick our homeboys into hanging out with us. If our Boy calls and just wants to hang out we don’t act like its a huge sacrifice. Many times we treat our boys better than we ever treat our mates. Sick right? Strange definitely to think about it this way but it wasn’t until I met my best friend at 25 that I realized that he was right. The timing wasn’t right initially but the fact that we respected each other as friends allowed the timing to synch.  Eighteen years later I’m married to her and we have a thirteen year old daughter. So what will I tell her?  “ Timing is everything”, and “Just make friends”…. What will I do….Pray!

When you are angry, do you fight fair? Ask yourself these questions...

http://www.dallasblack.com/entertainment/silfight


For me, I can say that, "Is it the right time?", was one of the biggest lessons ever learned in a relationship. Some time ago, it didn't matter who was around, where we were and what info I knew (or didn't know). I was going to get my point across. More than anything, I believe it caused the person to lose respect for me. These days there is one thing I know for sure. There is a time, and a place, for everything.

Which point hits home for you?

Celebrate the man that you are asking for!

What has Happened to Dating Over the Years?

Dating in my 50s is not the same as it was in my teens.  Being married at 19, divorced at 37, then just like that, remarried (rebound – more on that in a future post) and now single at 53 – times have changed.  Or have they?  Have the times changed or have we as women let some things become more acceptable.  When did it become OK for females to become so aggressive?  When did it become practically expected to sleep with someone on the “third” date?  And when did it become common for women to lose their femininity and mystique? 

Women have achieved unbelievable goals in the areas of finance, career, and family balance yet have these strengths and achievements impeded our inner womanliness?  Are we making dating and mating so easy for the male species that he doesn’t even have to try and up his game?  Have any of you been asked out by text message, and for a first date, no less.  Have any of you been asked to “call me” by a guy who you have exchanged one or two emails with in online dating.  Who plans the date you or the guy? By accepting such behavior, we are allowing men to be lazy and actually impeding their manhood.  Research has shown men to be wired with the “hunt” and women to be wired with more domestic tendencies.  This doesn’t mean women have to stay at home and cook and clean, but it does mean we have to give the guys a chance to pursue us.  Any fisherman will tell you the excitement and challenge of fishing is in the casting, the gentle tug on the line, the fish swimming away, and the back and forth tugs until the catch is reeled in.  As women, we need to realize the fun that can be had with the subtle taunt and tease, the anticipation and excitement of the call, and the no-worries he has planned the date aspect.

So ladies, I implore you to use your feminine attributes and insist he call you, he asks you out, and he plans the date.  Do not sleep with anyone unless you are in a committed, monogamous relationship (which takes at least a few months) and finally relax and enjoy and celebrate the fact you are a women!

Dr. Leta www.biohormonesinc.com

Think Like a Man

Who is going to check this movie out? I read the book when it first came out a few years ago and enjoyed it. I think it touched upon several good points.
I do think, however, the movie will probably be cheesy but I do plan to go see it.

Old Fashioned Dating Rules... Still Apply?

http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/love-sex/old-fashioned-dating-rules-that-still-apply-4#1

What do Men Want in a Girlfriend?

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=12865&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=961481

Women - Are you comfortable earning more than your man?

http://www.essence.com/2012/01/16/real-talk-are-you-comfortable-earning-more-than-your-man/#ixzz1jjSt3cO6